While Episode 3 of Season 1 was a fun experience to film; cruising along in the brand new 2017 Toyota Platinum Tundra from Stokes-Brown Toyota of Hilton Head, the topic of discussion was anything but fun. I already knew prior to, but now have an even more growing sense of awareness of not only the insurmountable number of insecurities we, as women, harbor but the astounding number of females that harbor them. I used the term “females” instead of women because that embodies the entire gender regardless of age, demographic, race, upbringing or background. Herein, amidst the term “insecurity” lies a plethora of topics for discussion that need to be faced head on. The topic of discussion began weeks prior to selecting and filming this episode and has continued many weeks well after which leads me to create a series under the discussion of “Banishing Insecurities”.
In the midst of this episode I found myself being reminded of having to walk away from a couple of negative relationships that were beginning to call more of my time and attention away from my purpose. The term relationship here is not referenced to a dating scenario but rather an association between myself and another individual. In life, we have versatile types of relationships and I have always been very careful and cautious as to how I file these relationships: friend, family. associate, client, partner (as in business), mate…and so on and so forth. So, for clarity, I am not referring to a man but just follow me so that you can understand where this is going. The parallel of these relationships was a huge eye opener for me regarding the insecurity of rejection, one in which most women possess, knowingly and unknowingly.
Over the past year, 2016, I walked away from 5 relationships. That’s it. Simply kept walking and did not look back with no regrets. 2 were clients, 1 was a budding friendship, the other a Spiritually connected relationship and another was a business partnership. The common denominator here is that they were all women and all involved, on their parts, not wanting to walk away without a fight. They all needed validation, some sort of reasoning or a further discussion as to why I was “walking away”. Initially, the fault and blame lied within me as I became prey and target of their hurtful words, venomous mouths and snide comments. I was then dismissed with “unfriending”, uninvites, disassociation, exclusions and given the silent treatment as I was told who and what I wasn’t going to be to them anymore….until I silently chose not to respond. This then brought about an onset of questions and a barrage of inquiries as to why I wouldn’t respond, I thought we were friends and how could you just ignore me scenarios. Sounds crazy, baffling and strange, doesn’t it? Yes, and as bizarre as their actions were, they all reminded me of ME.
Prior to my learning to understand and accept who I am, prior to facing my fears and letting go of what people thought of me and just prior to my overcoming low-self-esteem, I suffered severely with the insecurity of rejection when it came to dating relationships with men. Whenever a relationship ended, we were breaking up or even I was attempting to walk away, I needed validation. I needed answers. I wanted to know “why” this was happening and what could I possibly have done, whether I did anything or not, to bring us to an end. Looking back, even if an answer was given, it never seemed to suffice or allow the relationship to just end. Even if it was just said, “it’s over” and without further ado, that was the answer. I just couldn’t accept it because within myself I felt I was being rejected and somehow, some way, I wasn’t enough. So began the aforementioned and bizarre cycle of I love you to hate you to need to know why you don’t love me back…I, myself, didn’t love myself enough to know that I was already more than enough. For whatever reason, what was ending needed to end and that should have been the end. Perhaps it was them, perhaps it was me but one of us had come to the sane conclusion that our relationship was not progressive and in order to protect them, him and/or me we needed to just walk away. I wasn’t being rejected, I was being protected. Protected from my own insecurities, protected from his hurtful, unfaithful, harmful ways. Protected from living out a lie in a relationship that would only add to my growing insecurities and protected by God, from myself.
Do you see the similarities here? Or better yet, as your reading, do you see you? As I reflected on this past year and thought of the 5 ladies I severed ties with, I heard loudly, the cry of rejection within them. This felt all too familiar as I couldn’t understand why walking away from them felt like I was trying to escape an unwanted dating relationship. Our ties simply had proven not to be beneficial to one another and I had observed either on my part or theirs that in continuing further we wouldn’t produce a fruitful and healthy future in one anthers paths. For that reason, I silently and simply walked away…and it hurt them. Not because it was me, not because I was so great nor because I offered such a resolve to their life but simply because it was a form of rejection. Unintended, of course, but none the less, it was rejection as they saw it. How could I not choose to argue with them? Why would I not respond to their angry, evil words? How come I can just stand there, say goodbye with a smile and never need them again?
I didn’t argue. I didn’t respond to their anger. I did say goodbye with a smile, and often times with a hug of love and quite simply put… I don’t need you, but I do need me. Me being ok with me helps me to be ok for you. I’m not rejecting you, but I am protecting me. “Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts” – Proverbs 4:23 MSG
You can find out more about “Banishing Insecurities” and watch the entire interview on “Inspired with Takiya La’Shaune” airing on WHHI-TV. For local listings and airtime visit www.Takiya-LaShaune.com